Aug 272017

There are so many parts to the future life I dream of, so many things to do, to experience, to enjoy. Think sailing, snorkelling, hiking, 4×4, adventure touring on the motorcycle, mountain biking, boat projects, renovating and flipping, aquaponics, self-sufficiency, ….the list goes on and on.

One of my failings is certainly too many irons in too many fires. I have the 4×4 and now want to put on a RTT. Yet, I know for sure that there’s no time in the present life to actually use and enjoy the investment. Then I speculate that I should trade the 4×4 for the van. Yet, the 4×4 is paid for and the dream of the van is perhaps more a dream than could be made a reality in the present life circumstances.

I have the bike to do the tour and yet I’m too busy [thinking of] building the Shack and working the plan. I keep the ZR7 for fear that it’s not worth selling and then I disappear into a retro-scrambler project that sucks time and resources into yet another direction.

I dream and theorise of cutting back, simplifying. Of reducing life to just a few essential avenues of happiness and endeavour. Yet that’s all it seems to remain, a dream.

I think it was Lloyd Khan who said “Self sufficiency is never reached. It’s not the end goal but the process.” Or at least it was something along those lines.

I find myself constantly battling the gap between the intellect and action. Discovering and binge-reading “San Juan Sufficiency” today has me intellectually agreeing with the lifestyle, the ambition. I have the greatest of respect for those, unlike me, who’ve kicked the cubicle habit and struck out for a life well lived. I want to immediately step out and do something siomilar. Let’s buy those solar panels for the Shack. Let’s upgrade the boat, lets do this….let’s do that…!

Time is not on our side. One perhaps has 30,000 days on this planet if all goes well. So far, I’ve “used up” almost 18,000 of those days, days that can never be recovered, never be re-lived. Gone forever.

Not all of those 18,000 days have been miserable. There have been times when I’ve been happy [I think]. Not that I can remember those times at the moment. Right now life seems miserable and constraining. Depressing even. I’m in the biggest funk in living memory and it’s wasting my remaining allotment of days.

But I am, I think, a coward. I buy into quit-your-job-and-live free scene, the self-sufficiency ethos, the frugal lifestyle, the live on a boat and grow your own vegetables ethos. And yet, I seem unable to take even the smallest steps in cleaning out my current life to progress in that direction. I read of the struggles these people [SJS, AOH] face in earning enough money to fund their [not-so-] simple lives and I wonder if I have the courage?

What I do know is I have slipped into possibly the worst state of lethargy and demotivation I have yet experienced. No matter how hard I try, I much I try to convince myself that I must, I just cannot bring myself to actually dig in and get some decent work done in the corporate sphere. It all seems so pointless. Yes, yes. I hear the argument that “It’s not pointless, it brings ihome the bacon”. I hear, I agree and then I remain in my slump, my downward spiral. It’s not enough. Not enough to just rake in some money to fund this current life, the future life, the lives of my children. Most definitely not enough any more.

Many aspects of my current life and plan parallel “San Juan Sufficiency”. I maintain and keep the boat as an escape pod, a place to live cheaply and well if and when this world goes to pot. I keep the land base asd a place to work on projects for the boat, garden, raise table-tilapia’s in an aquaponics farm, harvets rainwater and chop my own wood for the winter stove.

At least that’s the longer-term hope and dream. Right now, all I’ve managed is to add complexity and cost to life, maintaining multiple homes, multiple vehicles, multiple cameras and more….! Why is it so hard to break this damn cycle of depression? Surely it’s as easy as selling up 253, quitting SE and making the move?

Mmmm! Yes. Theoretically that’s all, it takes. Practically there’s something unknown holding me back.

I read of SJS buying an island property and homesteading. I wish I could feel safe doing that here in sunny SA, free from the fear of being robbed blind. I wish I could find a place like the San Juans and feel that this place is worth my full investment of all my mental and financial resources. I wish I could break free of the fear of the future South Africa?

And so I try. I have plans A, B, C, ……Zee. And I’m working them all. But perhaps that is part of my problem. Perhaps it’s spreading me too thin and as a result I feel I’m not achieving any thing particularly noteworthy in any area.

Too many irons in too many fires! What do you really want?

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